Reading friends on LJ is a treat, when I can just get 50 posts on my Sidekick and ride the train home. It is a time where I am alone amidst a bunch of people and able to just disconnect. Which is why I don't drive,

I love the subway.

As I write it is 12:39am on a Monday morning and I'm headed home from work. Home is disgusting right now. It is just nasty, and on Tuesday, a day when I will be celebrating the Jewish New Year, I will get down and dirty to the cleaning.

I will finally connect my speakers which have been disconnected for about a month and a half. I need music, espresso, and somehow to hid my bed. I need to hide the television and get active. I've been too lethargic for too long. I've been experiencing massive fits of loneliness. In a city this big it isn't rare. I've been overwhelmed and humbled and my confidence level is shit.

On Thursday I went to my first Cave Canem workshop. I'm surrounded by multiple published poets, people with degrees up the ass, some of who teach in some dope ass colleges, and there are two lawyers in the class. Then there is me. GED Misfit. I did two semesters at Hostos Community College and did nothing but get depressed. I don't care how important the paper is, I'm not paying for classes that teach shit I've already learned in high school.

When some second rate professor teaches his idea of poetry and dismisses
everything else, I feel like I must challenge him.
Okay it wasn't for me.

Friday and Saturday I went to the Urban Word Workshop. Again some many…

(Monday 12:37pm)

…talented people around me. I felt like a microcosm, which in all actuality I pretty much am.

Somewhere in my head I lost so much confidence and self esteem. I became afraid of everything. Or of speaking anything. I felt so inadequate and below everyone. Quite a few people told me that my comments and contributions were really well received, but my issues aren’t how they see me, but how I see them seeing me, or how I think they see me. Insecurities when it comes right down to it.

I need to get over this. I’ve been pretty low lately and it isn’t healthy. I’ve been feeling lonely and my solitude isn’t as comforting as it usually is. But then when I am around people I’ve been feeling displaced.

Going through my friends on LJ I’ve noticed that a few people are feeling weird feelings and depression like symptoms. I’ve had my battles with depression and I am always reluctant to admit to myself that I am depressed. It isn’t only until after I snap out of something that I realize what it was.

As of now I’ve been sad a whole bunch, and have been bored to death with most things that I would find fun. I have also been super tired all the time. Fatigued a lot.

I might just have to lose weight. I am not overweight or anything but I did suffer from Sleep Apnea before and I know that when I don’t breathe at night, I don’t get rest. One way to know if I did or not breathe is if I wake up with an open, extremely dry mouth. Sometimes people tell me that I look like I haven’t slept in weeks after a 10 hour sleep night. Not good at all.

I do wake up several times during the night and that doesn’t help the sleep cycle.

At the end of it all I really don’t know.

On Saturday I went to Mara’s birthday party and had a good time. Mara and I spoke before everyone got there, and her roommate is super interesting and hot. With my confidence level the way that it is right now, there is no way that I can talk to any girl right now. Especially one that I find interesting and intelligent. So this girl is a super science wiz and is about my age.

The cool thing was that since I was the first and only one there for about an hour I watched them put on make up and we tried some eye liner on my lids that made my eye sparkle. I felt pretty and kept batting my eyes. It was so so subtle that no one noticed. I told two women who then said, “oh yeah I see it”. I don’t really think they saw squat.

Maybe letting someone put make up on me isn’t the best way to attempt flirting. Oh well. I did it because it was there and fun and it did raise my spirits. I was smiling and all but people kept asking me what was wrong. I of course said “nothing”. That usually separates the people who want to know what is wrong from the people that just want to ask what is wrong and actually want to hear a nothing.

Marty got a glass of wine and offered an ear. I spoke to her and she gave me great advice and attempted to boast my confidence. I didn’t work so well.

Sunday work and more work.

I love you all…