Tonight and more
Sometimes high school doesn't seem like it ended. Not all the time, but
sometimes I feel like I'm again apart of the process. The pick your
group process. I feel like I fit in enough to hang out but not to
belong. Is belonging that important? Well it feels so when you want to
be apart of something. I'm apart of many things actually, but not I'm
not in them. I am the floater. The guy who is like a bee buzzing from
flower to flower, but I see no pollen of nectar. I haven't found my
"miracle Fruit".
I had a good day.
I worked without killing anyone.
I ate houmus and lentil garden salad on whole wheat pita.
I went to Urbana, and got to watch Buddy Wakefield, who I thought was
great.

He is a character. "No filters" as a friend would say.
He shared some great new work with us and it was refreshing even though
I've never seen him feature. I've only heard him do one of the poems
before. The rest of the set was totally new.

I was also surprised by a visiting poet from Boston.. It was nice to see
her without feature or reason. Just bumped into her at my local poetry
reading. Those are the best. We spoke for a bit and even though I
don't know her well it is a complete pleasure to speak to her. To get
to know someone slowly is a gift. Each moment becomes instant memory.
People can be great like that. They amaze me here and there. All the
time actually.

Urbana had a nice open mic tonight. Poetry and new faces. It is a
thrill because you listen with hopeful anticipation. I wasn't let down
too many times either. Okay there was one dude that compared women to
books in the stupidest, most objectifying way, and expected every women
to forget because it had a sappy ending. He can suck a crooked dick
with genital warts infected sores. Or maybe something really bad.
The kid came out with a dedication, and really took women back to single
organism. Organism as in one, I know I should've use a plural but it
was that bad. Alright, fuck off with him.

So this feeling. Maybe it is an overload of solitude. I seem to do
that once in a while. Seek too much alone time for stupid reasons, and
then feel out of place whenever I walk back into society. Is it that I
conform too much. No no that's way too dramatic. Whatever man. I
don't feel as weird as I did when I began this post.

Just off that's all. I gotta find my mode, my mojo. I gotta get locked
into zen and shit.

I need to write more. I fight myself too much when I don't think I'm
being productive. It's all shit actually.
Yeah, I'll write something. I
I need to learn how to calm and steady myself more. The leg shaking,
the nail biting contemplation, the mind racing. God I'm surprised I
don't have a twitch. Really though. Just stay still and relax, calm my
brain, let go of the neck tension, and let the left side of the brain do
the work. Stop rational thinking all together. Only while I hold a
pen, or a keyboard of any sort.

I'm a stop away from mine on the 6 train, and I'll conclude this
semi-rant.

I love you all...