Middle of the week and the weekend can't get here soon enough. I worked all last week so I haven't had a day off in a few weeks and I am anticipating it like birthday cake.

Yesterday I had a great time watching movies with Sarah. Being family she knows a lot about some of my demons, so while watching Finding neverland for the second time in my life she saw all of them released. Well most of them. The important ones at least. Not too many movies have the same effect on me the second time around. I can't remember any really. I might shed a tear. or laugh or something but when I know what is coming I usually don't get the same reaction as the first time. Finding Neverland is incredible enough to take me to the same places it took me the first time and beyond. The funny thing is that watching the movie helped me continue a work in progress that was kind of in a stale mate. It showed me all the right roads to take, showed me how to find the place inside of myself to finish the poem.
I wish that I could be a more external writing. I don't think most of my external poems are any good. The place where I go to write stuff that pleases me is deep inside of me. It makes it nearly impossible to write if I am not in tune with myself. I went through a few months drinking a bit heavily (not anymore) and I noticed that the numb feeling wasn't allowing me to write. I couldn't get anywhere.
It reminds me of my sixteenth year, when I was perscribed Prozac and then Zoloft. I wasn't the writer that I am today, but I did scream silently to my computer all the time. It is more that I know I needed to write and I am happy I went through that. So when I stopped the Zoloft on my own it was because I was too happy. A happiness that came from being a bit numb. Very Numb. Everything was a kind of joy. I couldn't write. I would sit in front of my computer in the dark with my step brothers snoring in the background, and I would just stare at a blank screen. What is worst is that I knew why, and that gave me a depression caused by the drug that was suppossed to solve it. I stopped on my own, and returned to the sad lonely nights, returned to my depression, returned to the daily suicidal thoughts. It took years but I got out of that place myself. I worked my ass off for my life. I don't want to die. No interventions please.

So tonight I am super excited to see my great great friends Raj, and Jane Lecroy both feature at Synonomous. What a delight. They don't know eachother yet. I am super super excited about this. Jane, well I've spoken about Jane so much in my blog, and Raj is well Raj is there for me. He is family.
Never mind the fact that they are both dope ass artist.
If you miss it you suck.
Bye all.