Today Jannine and Marcus leave for Liverpool. It is so strange. Losing people from one day to another is just surreal for me. Knowing that one day they are here and the next they are across the ocean in the UK.

Two weeks ago my great friend Kristine left to Italy. We email each other but I wont see her every Monday anymore. We wont get Wine together.

And I will be one of them. I will pack up and leave. Next September will be London or Bust for me. I’m terrified.

I grew up in a world that taught me that my parents took the risks so that I wouldn’t have to. They left everything and came here. But how much of a risk is that? They didn’t see it as a risk but an improvement of life. They never thought they’d be rich, but now they are comfortable. I have a secure Job. It isn’t great but it is secure and consistent. I have an apartment with cheap ass rent in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I have a huge community of people that help and love me.

And I need to leave. I haven’t been anywhere or seen anything. I only know NY,

Last night I went to bed feeling bad. I was panicking a bit.

I had the first nightmare, in a very long time.

The thing is that I still thought I was awake.

I was in bed, then I looked up, and I saw someone coming down the fire escape stairs which are parallel to my head, while I’m in bed. All of the sudden I heard electrical tools. Then I notice out of no where that I left the window and Fire Escape gate open.

I never do that. I remember being afraid.

Rolling off of the bed and hiding under it. I remember thinking that no one was going to help me. Tight within a blanket, under my bed, crying and trying to be as quiet as possible so the fire escape people would just leave.

I felt so so alone at the moment. I remember reaching for the phone and dialing 911. the operator told me that they were already aware of the problem and that the police were already at the building.

I hung up and when I looked up my former stepbrother was at the window on my side. I walk over to him and punch him in the face. Then we sit and talk. I tell him to leave forever. He leaves and lock up the window.

Then the doorbell went off. I walk to the door and it is about 5 to 8 cops. They all came in, talking shit and smoking cigarettes. One, a female officer, was smoking a clove. Imagine that. We were discussing how stupid criminals were and I wore up. For real this time.

I walked to the window and make sure that it was secure. I checked my door.

It took about 15 minutes for my paranoia to leave. Then I went back to sleep.

I’m terrified that I wont survive outside of the world that I know.

I know it’ll be okay though. I just have to do it. Save my money, start buying pounds, get my passport, apply for the visa’s that I will need to work, and do everything I need to do, to be in London by next September. Even if it is only for 6 months, I will live in Italy for the rest of the year.

I’m not ready but who ever is?