So yesterday the house was full at 13. I don't like that too much. I know its good for the money and all but I feel like I am about to get panic attacks. I guess I do a pretty good job at hiding it.

Everything is a constant cycle and that is really starting to get on my nerves. I don't really wanna do what I do anymore and I don't know what I should do.
I want to learn and do some much, and I can't figure out how.
I don't think I have much talent and my desire to have talent.
The simple act of desiring something too much is a good way not to get it. This has been proven time and time again. So what, am I supossed to curve my enthusiasm for everything I may desire? Fuck that.
The world really seems to be shit. I love so much, and I don't understand how and why shit is the way it is. But I guess that is just the way it is.

I need Nationals so that I may get away. I feel so trapped right now.
My head has been hurting for some time now and Nothing is makig it better. Nothing ever feels like enough and I am left with a sour taste in my mouth. The taste of something that starts out really good and leaves a bitter taste after the outer coat is wasted away. Just nasty.

I want to yell. Im in my office and I really want to yell.
whatever