My Grandmother is in the hospital. I went to see her yesterday and she didn't recognize me. She remembered my name but didn't know who I belonged to. I love her and it killed me. She then asked about my big Brother. The one she remembered. He is burried next to her husband. Of course my Brother died first. He died at 9 and my Grandpa died at 97, or 93. Too many rumors and Dominican late registration issues to be %100 sure.
Anyway, I hate going into Hospitals. Going to visit a person who I know will die. Maybe not right now but in the next few years. If not now. Or tomorrow?
I am never prepared. I approach it different than the rest of my family. I daydream death. Sometimes I daydream of my parents death. Not because I want to but, for some reason I go there. My daydreams include death, burial, clean ups, Adjusting, arguing, fighting. crying, living, memorials, regrets, wishes and so much more. Ever since my brother died I knew death was coming for every single one of us. Actually my death is less palpable than everyone else's. Or to say I am more afraid of losing others, than dying myself. I know when I die I'll die, and I don't think about it, or really fear it. It's more like me fearing the death of anyone in my life. Love or hate. I've never wished anyone death. Maybe a few people for specific reasons, but nothing serious.
And exactly what do I believe in? Or what do I think will be after death. I have no clue. I don't believe much religious after death stuff, and I don't know what to have faith in anyway. Isn't the creation of the idea of afterlife, one of the key fundementals of religion. Most religons doesn't really focus on life. They seem to all work for a better afterlife purpose. How fucked would it be if death really did mean, grand finale, and there was nothing else. What then. And it isn't the fear of death that pushes people into religion. It is the fear of non-existance.
Whatever.
I don't believe in what I was taught to believe in. I don't believe in anything else that I've learned. I am so lost. Or just super found.


So besides that, yesterday the contractors working on my apartment decided to open my window and let my a/c fall out of my third floor apartment. How fun! Thank god or someone similiar to the idea of god, that I live towards the back of the building and no one died. Shit. Then they got me a new one (not as great as my maytag) and still got the old one, and left it on my livingroom. I walked into my apartment to a terrible stench of paint, dust everywhere. really everywhere, and an air conditioner to install. I can't sleep without it. I get hot flashes.
Anyway what can I say. I arrived home at 10pm from Acentos and in no mood to do anything. My day was stressful enough. But I still found time to lose ten dollars at a bodega and watch someone puchase something with my money and walk out of the store before I noticed.
I am smoking too much and I have a new quit date. Hopefully I'll stick to this one.
I am completely busy the rest of this week. Is there anyone that can honestly help me clean and organize my apartment? I would really apreciate it. I need help.

Thats it for now. I need sleep, I need to go work, I need something.
I love you all.