Day Four and I am still cigarette free. I remember this day before. I mean I remember the fourth day of the time I was able to quite for two years. This time around it has been much easier. The first day was the first day and I thought I would go crazy. The second day I thought I was going to kill someone. The third day I felt a bit more calm take over me, even though I still craved very much. I understand why I have to do this. I feel my lungs really fight to get their air back. Today was the first day that I didn't reach for a cigarettte when I woke up. Last two three days I woke up searching my desk with my hand searching for my cigarettes. That is completely unconcious and I must teach myself that I am not a smoker. That is the hardest part. I still am a smoker even though I haven't smoked. I still have the instinct that wants me. and expects me to smoke. I get my greatest craves, at the same times that I always had a smoke. After work, is one of the hardest. After I got out of work I used to smoke all night, but non of those cigarettes were as important as that first afterwork cigarettes. Last night I got a call from Karen, who told me that she needed to talk to me because she felt like she was about to crack down and smoke, I missed her call because my cell phone is wigging out, but I think that leaving a long message, might've helped her cope with the urges and craves. I later called her and left her a long message as well.
I stayed home yesterday and I had less cravings than I expected while I was at home. I am happy.
My mood swings have been big and I get irritated very quickly. At work a few people were about to lose their heads. Today is a day just like any other day and I don't need to smoke. I don't need to inhale. I thought that I could control it this time. Be like some friends who can smoke or not smoke and not be controlled by it. Be a social smoker or just enjoy one once in a while. I tried that and did it for a while. Actually I did it for a rather long time. Maybe about 10 months before I got completely addicted to the point, where I needed my own packs and was smoking all the time.
This is so not an easy thing for me, but I am relaying on my inner and outer strength. I have gotten through this before, and I have gotten through much worst. Not is the time for change.
I noticed that my lungs couldn't take dancing anymore. I would dance for a bit and then I would feel a sharp pain under my rib cage. How lame is that? I did it for the dance. I did it for my health. I am doing it for my pocket, my friends, my loves, my hearts, myself.

I love ya and I hope day four can treat me well. Thank you all very much.