I am very disappointed with my reading last night. I stumbled a million
times, and everyone thinks its too long. Ed helped me come to a
realization of something that I already knew, but ignored. I can not
open mic that poem. I don't want to. I have even expressed that in the
past, but I went against my gut feeling. I love criticism, but for this
poem I will only edit to structure it better, but I can't remove
anything. I just can't. The truth has to be that I wrote it for me,
for him, and for her. I want to share it, but I will only share it the
way that makes me happy. If the audience doesn't like it, I will feel
bad, but I can't change it. I can't write for the audience. I can't
make it all about, someone else’s feelings on my work. I have to stop
thinking sometimes. I was tortured by a bad performance all night. I
don't really think I am a good or even mediocre poet, but I love writing
and sharing. I love to hear clapping hands after I get off stage. I
love it when people tell me they loved my work, and I love it when great
poets tell me they loved my work. I still feel awkward in readings. As
if I don't really belong. As if I am just moving through groups, like I
did in high school. I am glad that I have been embraced by so many, but
I still feel weird. Well outside of acentos. At acentos I feel a lot
better. The place, the people, knowing that there are people who know
me as the guy from acentos. When I am introduced at 13, Eric has always
recognized me as the kid from acentos. I like that. Acentos is the
shoulder that I lean on. I think that I should complete a few pieces
without asking for help. I need to feel that I could accomplish
something but myself. As it is now I don't think I could. I am not
really sure if I can really write most of the time. Oscar says that my
style is totally me and that I don't try to be anyone else. That may be
true, but do people really want to hear what I have to say. If its not
a platform plea, or an epic, do they want to hear it. Do they want to
hear of perfume and the way it effects my life. And the truth is that
there is no exaggeration there. The way I wrote it is the way I felt
it.

I like to feel wanted, needed and loved. I love it when someone feels
comfortable enough with me, to crack jokes on me. To make fun of me.
Even things that may seem cruel to others. If I don't say that it is
bothering me, then it probably isn't. But sometimes, I feel like I have
taken too much, and I get ready to retaliate. When I come back I come
back strong. Especially when it's in Spanish. My "vete pal diablo"
comes out so well in Spanish (Dominican). Its hard to stop when it
comes out. Put the person that it is directed to probably had it
coming. ? . I apologize if I am an ass, but this is me. I can really
take a lot, and I do sometimes, pin stripes and all. El que habla mucho
y demaciado rapido, and please don't feed me after midnight, and no I am
nowhere near drunk, but this is me, and I love all you guys but I can't
change. I can't stop standing up when I get really excited in a
conversation. Its the way I was taught, even though I do appreciate
when I am pulled back down. I am not in the same mood at all times but
I do get it once in a blue. But this is me, and I am sorry if it
offends or embarrasses you.

Here is a free write on groups.

Groups.
Everyone belongs to a group. In high school it was the jocks, the Goths,
the fashion king and queens, the geeks who now have all the money, the
young dems or republicans who try to rule the world,, the ESL real
Dominicans or Puerto Ricans or Mexicans or any other country in what is
now called Latino America, then there's the thugs, the Christians, the
activists, and many others. I was the floater.
I knew everyone, and at the right moment I could fit in with everybody.
I could always fit in for short moments in time. Enough to last a lunch
period, or a boring class, or even a day cutting at the park, or
Wednesdays cutting at the Bronx zoo, just because it free on
Wednesdays. But that was me. The one who knew everyone, the one who fit
in everywhere. But I have never found a home.. I have never found a
group where I can say I belong. I mean as much as I love my best fiend
I know that he can't relate to me on every level. I am the floater.
Jack of all trades and masters of none. Or at least that's the way that
the more eloquent have put it..