Working seven days a week is getting to me. I know I need this. I know I have to pay the bills and I will continue to do this. But I ask myself how I will make it through school? I mean school is hard enough but with seven work days a week I don’t know how I will ever make it. I am just at a low in this moment. When I am at my high I know that nothing can hold me back. These lows are killing me though. They occur more and more often. They take me into an abyss. But I crawl out eventually. I try to go out whenever money and circumstance allows me to, but I don’t feel like its enough. I don’t feel rest. I want to relax. I thank the people who bring me joy, for at least a few moments in time. When I have a blockbuster night, when I see a movie or a show, when I attend readings and slams. The big one is when I read and the applause of the audience makes me feel as if I am being carried by a cloud off of the stage. This is a real high. But whatever it is it takes my mind off of my life for moments in time. These moments elevate me into a relaxation of the mind that makes me feel as ease. The drop is when its over. When a friend leaves my house and I realize that I am alone again, or when I leave a date early in the middle of the night, and the train ride home fills me with doubt, with loneliness, with pain. I also have memories of great days and dates, and the joy that I felt almost makes me feel pain for not enjoying it anymore. I feel a weird feeling in my chest and stomach that comes strong and leaves in a few moments. It’s a pain that is not really pain but gives me a backwards chill. It leaves a weird feeling of “wow”. How can I explain this? I have never even found the way to explain it to myself. I have always felt it on and off, but now I feel it a lot more. Or maybe I feel it now so I think that its more often. But It is very strong now. Anyway, it will go away.